Sigurdrífa kvað:

Isolated

2012-02-17T14:11:00.000-08:00

If I am forced to live my life on a desert island thousands of miles from friends, family, and society, I would rather do it with someone I know couldn't live anywhere else, who would indeed be happy on that isolated little island. Not with someone who is naturally endowed with the ability to be a leader among men.

One fine Saturday night

2012-02-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, a long time ago when my honey guy and I were first dating, we spent a wonderful Saturday night joking back and forth with one another, flirting in a light and easy way, talking about a ton of different things. It was really fun. It also was all done online, because we weren't living together then.

I am quite sure he considered that night perfect, and wouldn't want to change a thing.

Hardly

2012-02-16T20:26:00.000-08:00

I really am perfectly happy with the way things are, and see no real compelling reason to go back to being a partner at the firm. But one of the senior partners keeps dropping hints about it -- posting little things on my facebook page about how much they could use my help, sending me emails about things he thinks might interest me, etc.

It is all inadequate, it is all just a half-hearted, half-serious testing of the waters to see how I'll react. If he was at all serious about really needing and wanting me back at the firm, he would be direct about it -- set up a meeting to discuss the possibility with me, with terms and a salary to offer, instead of this pussyfooting around half-game speculation whatever that is just annoying. It is, frankly, disrespectful to me. I suppose I am supposed to reply with some sort of wow cool gee it would be great, but no way am I giving him the satisfaction of that. Because I won't come crawling back as someone who begged her way back in. I did that for long enough, climbing my way painstakingly up every single rung of the company later, with blood sweat and tears. If he thinks for a moment that hasn't earned me a fully-formulated, well thought-out, ironclad solicitation, then I am not interested. End of story.

I don't need to work with a weasely snake whose ego is too fragile to risk putting himself on the line for me to have a job.

Sparkles

2012-02-16T14:42:00.001-08:00

The present my honey told me he was sending me finally arrived. And it is perfect.

Chemo

2012-02-16T10:03:00.001-08:00

One of the terrible side effects of chemo therapy treatments is how much you vomit. I have repeatedly, over many months, after each treatment session, regurgitated over and over again, every last little bit of food in my stomach, until nothing but stomach acid was ripping through my throat. There is not a tiny bit of reserves left in my system, I have given all I have to give. Now I just need to get my strength back.

Joey and Rachel

2012-02-15T19:58:00.000-08:00

I don't know exactly how many seasons that story line lasted, but anyhow, the nice part was it deepened their friendship, instead of ruining it. They got to keep all their inside jokes, and add a few more, and it all turned out fine in the end.

Protecting me

2012-02-15T09:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my baby helps me learn how to protect myself, and other times he helps protect me. Yet other times he solicits those around us to help. A pact to keep things strong, honest, productive, solid, real, meaningful.

Gossip

2012-02-14T22:53:00.001-08:00

My favorite thing about being a contractor is the way it partially isolates me from the regular employees at the firm. I don't have to get all involved in all the office politics, or all the breakroom gossip. I get to stay above the drama and the fray. I'm just here to do my job, the one I signed up for, the one I promised to do.

Mind meld

2012-02-14T18:23:00.000-08:00

I do not know exactly when my honey and I had a mind meld, but he is the only person who has so completely been able to read my mind, and whose mind I have been so able to read. It makes it easier to breath, knowing you are with someone who understands you. It makes it easier to relax, it makes it easier to find joy, to be completely known.

Work BS

2012-02-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

Well I had a hell of a morning, sending emails back in forth about a totally stupid and ridiculous project. No one is communicating with anyone, misunderstanding is running rampant, the person who thinks he is in charge has really no business doing what he is doing, but I am thousands of miles away and can't do a damn thing about it.

So, I am in a throw my hands up in the air, throw in the towel, and just say whatever kind of mood.

An elaborate "what-if" scenario

2012-02-13T23:27:00.000-08:00

I might not have passed with flying colors, because I am pretty sure I made some fairly monumental mistakes along the way, but as long as my honey forgives me, and feels he can still trust me, well then all is well.

I am used to his unorthodox methods, as frustratingly bizarre as they may be. Because they leave us mentally and emotionally prepared for things yet to come or things that perhaps never will come, armed with knowledge.

Tiger

2012-02-13T19:44:00.000-08:00

Once I said to my honey that I wasn't sure if I would rather tell people, if they asked about our relationship, that "He keeps me satisfied" or "He's a tiger". I knew it would always be one or the other.

Thought he'd never say hello to me all night

2012-02-13T18:25:00.001-08:00

but I was wrong.

He'd already said hello in the morning, of course.

It is not a dig if it is true

2012-02-12T16:21:00.000-08:00

I feel much better this way. More relaxed, more optimistic, more focused, more myself. It was really hard always dividing my attention back and forth, making sure I was being fair and balanced. I could do it, of course, but it took a lot of effort. And I was worn out.

My son

2012-02-12T00:50:00.001-08:00

I know it sounds terrible to say, but I do believe my honey loves my son more than I do. Or maybe more than I did, because he has also taught me how to be better mom.

My son

2012-02-12T00:48:00.001-08:00

I know it sounds terrible to say, but I do believe my honey loves my son more than I do. Or maybe more than I did, because he has also taught me how to be better mom.

So incredibly adorable

2012-02-11T15:41:00.001-08:00

I know he hates it when I say that, but I can't help it. I get such a smile on my face and warm fuzzy in my heart, thinking about little ol' him.

Injury

2012-02-11T13:12:00.000-08:00

Ever since I tore my pelvic ligament, my nether regions have not been the same. Even taking a walk can make my pelvis hurt again.

So extra-large dildos are obviously not on my list, if I want to be able to walk the next day.

Character flaws

2012-02-11T08:54:00.000-08:00

I love my honey to the moon and back, and he knows it. But that does not mean I do not recognize he has certain character flaws, flaws which I find make him sexier and more intoxicating, but that other people probably find frustrating. For instance, my honey likes to get his way. He can be very aggressive in arguing to get his way. For another thing, he usually has two motivating factors for everything he wants to do, one positive and altruistic, and the other one a bit more self-satisfying; I see the altruistic whereas most others only see the more negative motivation. And finally, he really likes to be different, iconoclastic even.

Sometimes I have helped him talk others into doing what he wants them to do, and well, I have to say, it really isn't my style. If I had it my way, I would not do that again.

My preference

2012-02-11T04:54:00.001-08:00

I like it when my baby's thoughts are mostly about me.

Terrible nights sleep

2012-02-11T03:29:00.001-08:00

I really couldn't sleep, because all I kept thinking about were his arms, laying across my body, one of his hands cupping my breast, the fingers of the other hand enmeshed in my hair.

Divorce

2012-02-10T20:34:00.000-08:00

In my mind, divorce is always a good thing. Life is too short to waste a substantial part of it with a partner that does not help us grow as a person, as a man, as a human being. And once we are free from a bad relationship, the world is wide open, to explore, to celebrate, to embrace.

In other words, everyone gets divorced because they owe it to themselves.

Self image

2012-02-10T15:07:00.001-08:00

I don't suppose it would bother me, to know that I was the only thing my honey needed to be happy.

Boston

2012-02-10T06:35:00.001-08:00

When my honey and I were first dating, we went on a business trip to Boston together. After dinner we went to a bar, and well my behaviour was pretty outrageous. I had worn my tightest, shortest skirt that night, and when we sat down at the bar stools at the high round table, I turned my body to be facing him, instead of the table. And I spread my legs apart, at first just a little, but gradually more and more as the evening wore on. I touched my hair and my neck over and over, as I alternated between staring at him and letting him stare at me. My conversational abilities were pretty poor that night, since of course I only had one thing on my mind. And I kept waiting for him to put his hand on my knee, and then my thigh.

So if you ask me, do I find my honey unbelievably ridiculously hot, I will tell you about Boston, I will tell you I always have, from the first moment I laid eyes on him. Everything about him, the way he walked, the way he talked, the shape of his face and the color of his eyes, attracted me like no one else ever has.

Wish my sweet guy understood...

2012-02-09T16:46:00.000-08:00

I want him in my life because of who he is, because of the love we share, because of how proud I am to even know him. To talk with him, and be able to call him mine, is an honor.

Not allowed to help

2012-02-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

Whatever project or goal or objective my sweety is working towards, I am not allowed to be "in" on it. He doesn't need me advice, he doesn't want my help. I think he is taking one sentence I said once and building a whole apparatus around it, without even discussing it with me.

I don't mean to seem ungrateful, and it isn't that I don't trust him. It is that I deserve to know what is going on in my own life. Simple as that.

Lightening up

2012-02-09T11:52:00.000-08:00

My problem the last few days, maybe weeks, is that every time I start to lighten up a little bit, start getting in a good mood or relaxing, I get gripped by a paralyzing fear. Fear that letting my defenses down will result in a return to the same old same old. Will mean again no progress, no change, no momentum forward, no developments, no accomplishments, no incentive. That my anger is the only thing that could possibly produce results. That I have to stay bitter, aloof, distant, upset, contentious, and difficult if I want to see anything done at all. That cooperation will be taken as complacency that I am OK with things the way they are. And I am not. I do not want anyone to forget that I am not OK with the way things are.

Pushing aside...

2012-02-08T22:13:00.000-08:00

the nagging feeling that someone might be doing something nice for me.

But in a better mood now at least.

It was a question, not a complaint

2012-02-08T15:57:00.001-08:00

Was I the inspiration for the poem, or at least some part of it? Perhaps it is a silly question to ask an author, but he said something once about a man in a cafe, and it got me thinking.

** this question has now been answered.

For this is the reason why

2012-02-08T11:39:00.000-08:00

I want a man who fell in love with me the first time he saw me. I want a man who feels empty inside at the prospect of not seeing me for a month. I want a man who would rearrange his life to be with me. I want a man whose first thought every morning and last thought every night is how wonderful it would feel to be kissing my lips.

In other words, I want a man who feels the exact same way about me that I feel about him. Because anything less than that makes me feel like an idealistic idiot. Anything less than that makes me feel like I have no right to be here at all.

Emailed

2012-02-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

I once emailed a coworker, to congratulate him on the birth of his daughter. He never emailed me back. I thought that was really rude and uncalled for. Every new life deserves celebration, no matter the circumstances.

Dreamy

2012-02-08T07:08:00.001-08:00

I had a dream about my guy last night. We were on a cruiseship with a group of people, and he was acting like he didn't know me. That is, until I went and stood beside him.

My hand

2012-02-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many times I have asked my guy, to reach out his hand towards me. And to trust that I will take it, and I will pull him up. Everyday he doesn't breaks my heart a little.

Pump up the tension

2012-02-07T17:54:00.000-08:00

So well inside jokes that best friends develop have a purpose and are perfectly natural and normal. If, however, someone else learns that lingo, and starts joining in on the inside joke, what that third person has done is created a false sense of intimacy. Because they were not part of the inside jokes as they grew, which means those jokes will never be their jokes, no matter how long or how often they try to play along.

And there is nothing worse than a false sense of intimacy. Because when push comes to shove, it will unravel. Whenever there is any stress, any need for actual and real intimacy, the "friends" freeze up. Because the third person isn't any equal friend to the original best friends, not by any measure.

Intolerable

2012-02-07T11:00:00.000-08:00

If I start to think back on it, I just get more and more depressed. There must be at least a dozen, probably more if I really counted them, occurrences of basically the exact same thing, by different employees. I walk into a meeting, or the break room, or a conference, and the other employees stop talking, stand up, and walk out.

I cannot take it any more. I do not want to ever have to experience that again. And since this has happened CONSISTENTLY every single time I have seen certain employees for THREE YEARS it has just completely broken my spirit. The air has to be cleared, or I won't go to the corporate offices. I just won't. My heart can't take it, my mind can't take it. I cannot deal with having people I am supposed to be working with ignoring me when they see me in person, avoiding looking at me, running out of the room, refusing to speak to me.

We need, absolutely positively, to start working on it MONTHS in advance of any known possibility of seeing each other, just to make sure it is not another disastrous ridiculous heart-wrenching debacle. It needs to get worked on NOW, right NOW. Direct, simple conversations that make it possible for us to be in the same room without anyone freaking out for any reason.

Alternative interpretation

2012-02-06T17:11:00.000-08:00

I always keep, and always have kept, the possibility wide open for an entirely different interpretation of the spreadsheet from a rival company. I have always known that they exist at a crossroads, that they are pulled out whenever the company needs saving, that they are fabricated.

But it doesn't change my emotional response to that company. I simply do not like it.

Valentine's day

2012-02-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

Every day is Valentine's day with my sweet honey guy. Chocolate, especially, is not needed on Feb. 14th. I am fat enough already as it is!

birthmark

2012-02-05T19:53:00.000-08:00

My honey has a dark hairy mole on his butt. It is one of my favorite things about his body. Love to kiss it and give it a pinch when he lets me.

Feels that way to me

2012-02-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

Canada and Iceland, two places with lots of open space and room to grow, with good work opportunities and interesting cultural events, with a government that has the well being of its citizens in mind.

I hope to get dual citizenship soon.

Three year anniversary

2012-02-04T22:10:00.000-08:00

I wish my honey would talk to her. I think he is the only one that might be able to help her. She's stopped speaking to her counselor, she has stopped speaking to her psychiatrist and her psychologist. She has even stopped speaking to her sister. She has stopped believing in any sort of afterlife, in any sort of crossing over, in anything at all that might make her feel better about my brother's death. Instead she works as much as she can, and tries to ignore the anger and bitterness in her heart.

I think she is just waiting to die, hoping it comes quickly, killing herself through neglect.

He's the only one I can think of that has any chance of bringing her out of it. Her defenses are too precise for anyone else to stand a chance.

Poor my mom.

Faking it

2012-02-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

For I don't know how long, years really, I have been forcing myself over and over again to ignore any sense of anger or resentment or disappointment or frustration or hurt. It comes pretty easy to me, because my natural response to most anything is happiness. But still I know this response is also a choice, a choice that somewhere along the line became a habit.

The problem is when other people don't recognize it as a conscious choice, when other people don't see the effort that it takes for me to sustain a sense of happiness even when things are not as I would want them to be.

My honey knows the effort it takes. He respects it. And he also knows not to push me too far, not to ask me to act to superficially happy and pretend that everything is fine for too long. My honey knows that my sense of honesty is too keenly developed.

And that's why he has stopped talking about us taking a trip to Jamaica. I am grateful.

Progress

2012-02-03T21:33:00.000-08:00

Tonight my sweety had a smooth move to tease me, and it made me laugh. Well done.

My honey also told me some news that was bittersweet, that he'd be away the next few weekends. I know it is for a good reason, and I promise not to miss him too much.

Weight gain

2012-02-03T19:01:00.000-08:00

All this week, I have been rather hiding my body, because I have been feeling fat.

Although I have gotten a bit thicker in my thighs, and in my waist, and in my chest, well, I was still able to look pretty darn good in my long straight skirt today. The scooping shirt didn't hurt either.

So I guess I don't really need to be so down on myself. Aferall, my sweet funny honey guy loves me, and that is a pretty good thing.

Dependent

2012-02-03T12:51:00.000-08:00

There has been a joke going around, a series of adjectives in the shape of a happy face.

Yesterday when I looked at it, the only adjective I saw was dependent. And I knew it was true. I am a dependent type. I am not an independent type. I do not want to live my life apart from my sweety. I do not want to build a life separate from my honey. I am made to become part of an us.

That is who I am. And I am unhappy if I am not allowed to do so fully, joyously, continuously.

Negative thinking II

2012-02-02T16:49:00.001-08:00

The point is not that I am upset and need to fix something bad about the past. The point is that I am happy and want to start building something good for the future.

So shockingly obvious, I guess I did not think it needed to be said.

Met with my supervisor

2012-02-02T13:21:00.001-08:00

He said he was pleased and I should be proud and excited. He also said I needed to change the same thing my honey said I needed to change, which I actually mentioned to my supervisor without really meaning to. I usually try not to talk about my personal life with him.

But I'm a bit of an emotional mess today I guess. Tired and crampy.

So my supervisors supportive words have left me in tears. And I guess It has been too long since someone I respect has treated me with professional respect.

Set in their ways

2012-02-01T19:57:00.000-08:00

The reason older people, well older people who do not consider themselves failures, are difficult is that they are very set in their ways. They have convinced themselves, though the passage of time, that the way they have done things is the right way to do things. They have done this so that they can look back on their lives with satisfaction, and that feeling of accomplishment is something they will protect with every ounce of themselves. Nothing, and no one, is worth letting into their life, who will make them think they should have done something different, or who will ask them to start doing things different. They are passed the point of being able to do that.

Fitting

2012-02-01T13:01:00.001-08:00

If I am not mistaken, a guy I used to date and a woman my honey used to date have now declared themselves a couple on FB. This seems to me very fitting, especially because our reasons for not continuing to date these people was so similar. They were both too old for us, to angry for us, and too short for us.

I think therefore they are really perfect for each other, and I'm happy they have hooked up. About two years ago, I suspected they would. So I'll be gratified if my female intuition proves correct.

My way

2012-02-01T12:02:00.000-08:00

I do believe it is time to try doing things my way. Sure it might not be the perfect way, but then nothing really ever is. Plus I think the main reason my way did not work in the past is that the men I was with were insecure and intimidated by me, and not that my way was so horribly boring and pedantic. And it will allow things to be talked about and done that are not currently being talked about and done, which makes life more interesting. Finally, ég eiga þetta skilið.

Don't know why exactly

2012-01-30T21:51:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I can just feel what my honey is thinking. It is such a wonderful feeling.

Don't know why exactly

2012-01-30T21:46:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I can just feel what my honey is thinking. It is such a wonderful feeling.

Cold war

2012-01-30T17:26:00.000-08:00

Many relationships are like the cold war. The husband and wife have each built up defenses, they each know the others hot-botton issues, and they carefully watch one another, waiting for the other to slip up. Then they let them have it. Though they live under the same roof, there is a constant frustration, a constant chill, in the air.

My honey and I made the decision not to have a relationship like that. We made the decision not to engage in a prolonged battle of wills. We made a decision that there is more to life than that. To make that decision, we decided that we have to fully respect each other, and to not engage in any destructive behavior that will slowly eat away at our happiness.

For me, this meant letting go of constantly setting demands on him to do this that or the other. It meant trusting that he is a smart caring person who loves me very much and is indeed looking out for our best interests. It meant not being so nervous and so uptight all the time, and believing that things will work out fine.

Unfortunately, his brother seems to think that what we decided was that I do not have a say so in anything that happens in my life. That I have been forced into compliance. In other words, he thinks the war is still raging between us.

He is wrong.

Consultant

2012-01-29T21:31:00.000-08:00

As a consultant, I do my very best to get to understand a company's strengths and weaknesses, and their "corporate culture." But even though I have training and tools that give me insight into the inner-working of companies, there are some things that I naturally expect a company to know better about itself than I could know from studying its charters and taxes.

Like a company's decision making process. That may read one way on paper, but be carried out a completely different way according to the unwritten traditions of a company. Maybe a secretary sneezes, or who knows what, and a whole project gets tabled. I don't know.

All I do know is that the people who have worked at a company for decades ought to have figured out a way to make effective decisions. It should not be my job as an outside consultant to come in and tell them something so basic about running a company. Nothing works unless you make a decision about it, and go forward from there.

Game changer

2012-01-29T12:48:00.000-08:00

My honey is a game changer. He likes to shake up the status quo and try things out of the ordinary. In my experience, this has always been to at least to short term benefit, although there have on occasion been long term, unintended, negative consequences.

At the National Gallery

2012-01-29T08:42:00.000-08:00

Once my honey told me a story, about a work event he had been to at the National Gallery. He was speaking with some people, one of which was an older woman who kept interrupting him when he was trying to talk. I wasn't with him at that event, but he called me that night, all annoyed at the woman. The next morning he was still annoyed with her, and he started telling me her behavior probably had something to do with her knowing his father a long time ago.

I love so much that he told me that story. I love that he wanted to tell me about the details of his day. I love that he felt safe complaining to me about things that bothered him. I love that he shared with me something of his father's life. I love that he seemed to miss me being there with him. Most of all, I love how it gave me something to think about, for weeks and weeks. There is nothing I like better than having something concrete about my honey, that I can meditate upon. To get to know him, to get to understand him, not just in the general, but also in every nuance of the specific.

Proposal

2012-01-28T21:52:00.000-08:00

Since I already feel very married, in my heart and in my soul, it doesn't bother me too much to hear this or that of the romantic proposals some girls get. But I guess I would rather it is not treated as a joke.

My plan . . .

2012-01-27T20:14:00.000-08:00

is to intentionally guess wrong every single time I possibly can. Because I have been cooperative enough for long enough.

Black lace

2012-01-26T22:03:00.000-08:00

I always planned to save my floor length, see-through, halter-cut, side-slit, skin-tight Victoria Secret dress for a special occasion. So I am happy with the way things worked out tonight.

Fishy continued

2012-01-26T18:25:00.000-08:00

Of course it has always struck me as pretty darn bizarre that my supervisor did not see what was going on himself. It made me rather doubt his head was as fully in the game as I thought it was. Or maybe he was in on the deal, purposely looking the other way. Either way, it made me felt rather more vulnerable than I ought to have felt.

Problem

2012-01-26T16:21:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, I noticed that there was something fishy going on at the company. Now what I should have done was brought the matter to the attention of my supervisor, and let him handle it. But instead, I tried to take matters into my own hands.

I would not say it has turned out especially well, especially for me.

On the other hand, it did get my supervisor demoted.

Distressing

2012-01-26T14:19:00.000-08:00

I may not be the most women libby equal right I am woman hear me roar kind of gal, but that does not mean I will accept or tolerate being in a relationship where my needs, wants, concerns, ideas, and issues are constantly and systematically ignored, where I am belittled for expressing them, told they are wrong or irrelevant, and where absolutely nothing is ever done to redress a single one of them in any sort of meaningful way. I will not live my life like that.

Opportunities

2012-01-25T23:19:00.001-08:00

There is nothing worse in my mind than a missed opportunity. Well, except an opportunity missed because of miscommunication.

Worse than that would be lots of them. It is hard to imagine such an emense amount of wasted chances.

Know

2012-01-25T12:52:00.000-08:00

I need to know, firmly, absolutely, definitely, when I am going to see my honey again. I do not want to guess about it, speculate about it, try to figure it out from vague clues, hypothesize, fantasize, conjecture, decode. I have done WAAAAAAYYYYYYY waaaaaayyyyyy wwaaaaaayyyyy wwaaaaayyyyy too much of that, and I will not do it again. The only thing I want to know is when I will see him in person. I am not interested in discussing or knowing anything else. Period.

Widow

2012-01-24T21:41:00.000-08:00

If a widow is still in love with her deceased husband, there are only three options. 1) Live a hallow life underpinned by grief, struggling to find a way to make it through each day. 2) Find a new mate who would understand and accept that situation by not trying to erase the deceased, but by helping her fulfill the happiness she knows her husband wanted her to have. Or 3) Bring the deceased back to life, discover it was all a mistake and misunderstanding, and thus allow both of them to truly live again.

Some opinions cannot be changed

2012-01-24T11:49:00.000-08:00

I have always told him, he is all I have ever needed. Faults and flaws, shortcomings and mistakes, all of it, just as he is.

That's my opinion on the matter.

Across the world

2012-01-23T22:30:00.000-08:00

My wonderful honey knows I'd move anywhere in the entire world, if it meant I got to wake up every morning by his side. Miss him too much.

Monopoly

2012-01-23T18:43:00.000-08:00

As far as I can tell, the entire objective is not to win or loose this game, but to find a way to prolong the play as much as possible.

This might be Ok with me, except my legs are sore, my back is sore, my brain is fried, my soul exhausted. I have simply lost the ability to carry on.

The one thing that motivated me for a long time was figuring out the "truth" of the matter, and well once that was solved, I was really ready to stop racing around the board.

Relationships

2012-01-23T11:04:00.000-08:00

Relationships are about the slow discovery of how one person feels about another person. It is not a judgement on that other person, it is not a condemnation or a celebration of them as a person, it is not an affirmation that they are wonderful or they are terrible. It is trying to figure out just exactly how I feel about that other person. And sometimes it is really hard to figure out.

It is like a trip to the moon and back, just to get a rock.

All I have ever wanted . . .

2012-01-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

is to have full, precious, rare, perfect intimacy between us. I have never had it with anyone else, and I think it will be so nice, to finally experience it. No walls, no hidden fears or agendas or secrets, no barriers. Just trust and openness and love. Freedom to say and think as we feel. The right to be a complete human being.

making light

2012-01-22T21:07:00.000-08:00

This weekend we made a few adjustments to our long range plans. This is good, I am always happy when we make decisions together that affect our future, because it shows we are actively working at building it. And that is what I need to know.

Of course deciding to do something things instead of other things can be interpreted as giving up on one option or another. I don't feel that way about it. Whatever we decided not to do isn't something I feel needs to be bid farewell to in any sort of way, neither making light of it nor discussing everything that was wrong with it, etc.

I know I am lucky in this way, that adjustments to plans do not represent for me a big difficult mental shift. I know for most people it does. And sometimes I worry that it should for me too. But it is a skill I have developed over time, and I find it gives me a wonderful sense of peace of mind. And I see it as a sign of maturity.

When I agree with a decision, I have no problem what so ever moving forward from it.

Ying and Yang

2012-01-22T14:53:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing I have learned of late, it is that a relationship does not work if two people are too similar. Of course it is important to have a common base. But beyond that, a man and a woman have to be different so that they have complementary personalities. Then they have to have an ebb and flow about them, a natural way in which they respond to one another, the way one leads and the other follows sometimes, but never surprised when it suddenly reverses. Over time, a couple like that comes to understand each other in ways that is inscrutable to anyone else.

This is what I was looking for. This is what I was waiting for. This is what I was expecting.

This is what I have found in my honey.

Twas very nice

2012-01-21T23:56:00.000-08:00

And just think how much better it can be.

For me

2012-01-21T09:49:00.000-08:00

My expectation, my demand, my requirement, my regulation is set up just for me. I put it in place because I think I deserve it. No, I know I deserve it. And anyone who can treat me with the respect I deserve earns my respect in return.

Crying

2012-01-20T23:48:00.000-08:00

I have broken out in tears three or four times tonight, at the smallest little thing. It started I guess at work, when I had to beg my friend's forgiveness today. She said she had been so upset ever since I called her this weekend. We got in an argument about it, she told me she'd have to stop being my friend, and then later I hugged her, crying, and told her how much I needed her to not turn her back on me now. She said she felt guilty for ever telling me any of this was a good idea. She told me love should not be like this. She said she hoped for my sake, something good, anything good, would come of it.

Doesn't take a genius

2012-01-20T12:47:00.000-08:00

Christmas and New Year was a major let down that left me heartbroken and despondent. What I needed in January was something to give me hope that all was not lost.

Booking agent

2012-01-20T10:19:00.000-08:00

The only person I want to talk to, the only website I want to visit, are the ones that will help me arrange a trip to see my sweet honey guy. Nothing else matters to me right now, than getting to look in his eyes, touch his shoulders, feel his lips.

One trip at a time.

Mounting evidence

2012-01-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

Well, I must say I have always somewhat suspected it. But it just gets clearer and clearer over time, that the issue in personnel was not about me. Instead, it was about the egos and interpersonal relationship of my supervisor and his coworker at the time. I was a pawn in their tit for tat, and nothing more. At least in the eyes of one of them. I am not sure what could ever make me change my mind about that, now. The suspicion has became a hypothesis, and now it is basically my belief. The only thing that made me hesitate was when the coworker quit his job.

Of course I mind that they made my life a lot more difficult than necessary, but when males get to flirting with each other and competing with each other and showing off for each other, there is nothing a woman can do to stop it. She can either walk away, patiently wait until they settle it, or watch the whole endless charade with amusement.

What she should never do is make the mistake of thinking it has anything what so ever to do with her.

Anywhere

2012-01-18T17:41:00.000-08:00

I would jump on an airplane any day, if my guy asked me to come to him somewhere. I would go anywhere, meet him anywhere, he wanted to meet. Instead I live my life in this stupid state of suspended animation, waiting for I don't know what. No, I do know. Waiting to see his face.

So fun

2012-01-17T20:02:00.001-08:00

A fresh adventure, an undiscovered country, a well spring of potential. Inside of you, inside of me, inside of us. Just waiting to begin.

To my guy...

2012-01-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

who doesn't realize I am sitting here, every day, waiting for him to let me 100% into his life, into his mind, into his heart. And I will let him 100% into me.

Relationships that need work, and relationships that don't

2012-01-17T11:25:00.000-08:00

Maybe it took a while, but I can safely say the relationship I have with my best friend is a good, stable, supportive, fun, interesting, no hassle no drama relationship. He's important to me in my life and he knows it, I am important to him in his life and he knows it. It does not need a lot of work, and maintenance is as simple as regularly saying hello to each other.

I would say the relationship with my guy is not so worked out. We still have work to do. There are parts missing from the base of it, parts missing from the middle of it, parts missing from the top of it. All around, there are bricks here or there that never got put into place. Something was skipped, something was forgotten, something was patched over with dry wall. Now I would never go so far as to say the whole thing needs to be torn down and we need to start from scratch, but on the other hand, a systematic approach to making sure all the t's are crossed and all the i's dotted would not be bad at all. Shore up the foundation with some basic conversation. Expand the middle by trying new things. Embellish the top with bold declarations.

I suppose most structural engineers would probably suggest it be done in that order, also. But in love, you don't always have to play by the rules.

Simultaneous

2012-01-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

Once, I sent a linkedin request to two contacts, and received back a rejection from both of them at practically the same instant. It was uncanny. And it has taught me to let people add me, rather than me asking people if I can add them. Same goes for Google Circles, Skype contacts, and Facebook friend.

Bored

2012-01-16T14:13:00.000-08:00

I wish he understood that he, just plain old simple him, will never bore me. But then again, I think mostly he is worried I will bore him. That is afterall why he left his ex: she was so boring.

Not complaining because....

2012-01-16T11:19:00.000-08:00

as bad as it gets with my silly guy is better than it would be with anyone else. So when I say this is as good as it gets, what the "this" refers to is not what you might think "this" refers to.

Trust

2012-01-15T21:48:00.000-08:00

The trust that I am on the board of currently has almost two million dollars of assets to its name, with about half a million dollars in debt. So although the value of the assets held by the trust might diminish over time, and although I am certainly not the sole beneficiary of the trust, I am the youngest. So my odds are good that sometime, I might be able to get a semi-decent house.

Not that it matters to me, as long as I am with my honey bear, even in a little house on a little street where the neighbors watch all our comings and goings, well, I'd be Ok with that.

Whiskers

2012-01-15T18:53:00.000-08:00

I like cats, with their whiskers sticking out from their faces in all directions. I also like it when a man has whiskers, especially when he has the sort of face that by 5pm already has stubble coming back again anyhow. A man with that much latent facehair should just let it come to the surface and do its thing.

Nothing finer than a well dressed, fit, confident man with a scruffy beard to soften his appearance.

Sigh

2012-01-15T15:31:00.000-08:00

Miss my sweet honey, my fabulous guy. Wish there was some way to make him understand, this whole independent woman thing is not my thing. But then of course he'll tell me sure it is, and make me prove it to him. Because otherwise he won't be proud of me. Otherwise he'll think I'm weak.

Snarky

2012-01-15T12:59:00.000-08:00

Well my guy just made my heart skip a beat, butterflies take flight in my stomach, my head get dizzy, and blood rush to my groins.

But of course I didn't tell him that. I told him he didn't do it right. Some part of me is scared, must be.

Suspicious

2012-01-15T12:13:00.000-08:00

At the firm I work with, there is an attractive, smart, funny woman who told me over drinks once, somewhat accidentally, that she has an identical twin sister. I don't know that much about her twin, whether or not their personalities or profession or personal style is very similar. It could be her and her twin are like a guy I know who is an academic, but his identical twin brother is a race car driver. But I think it is more common for twins to have basically the same profession--I knew one twin that disputed this because he and his identical twin brother specialize in different forms of math (eye roll).

So well I am starting to suspect that her and her twin sister share a single accounting position that of course only one of them was hired for. Because "her" behavior is just odd enough from time to time to make me think "this is not the same person I spoke to yesterday", even though of course they look the same. And well I don't think this jeopardizes the company in any way, they are probably equally qualified. It is just that it makes me a little jealous, because wow, isn't that what we all want. A challenging, important job that we love, with a great salary and lots of perks, but without it eating away 50 to 60 hours of our week. It is one of the reasons I went into contract work, because I did not in any way shape or form want to be tied down to a 9 to 5 job. But it has its disadvantages--no room for advancement, limited responsibility, etc. If I could have a real management position but only part time, jeez, that would be great.

So maybe it is wishful thinking on my part, but I have a suspicion that is what her and her twin sister could be up to.

Solution

2012-01-14T21:26:00.001-08:00

I found the perfect solution a dozen times over. But none of them were endorsed by my coworkers. Every single opportunity was let slip by. And now I am out of ideas.

Once upon a time

2012-01-14T17:37:00.001-08:00

My honey once taught me he would never do anything that wasn't a good career move for him. So now I don't even ask.

Very pleased

2012-01-14T14:43:00.000-08:00

I am pleased my little bit of poking and prodding yesterday seems to have done some good, because he actually called her last night. And they have been texting today. And well that is what she deserves, an actual man giving her actual attention. Because she is a good woman.

I am also pleased that she said she's not at all interested in dating my honey's brother. Which I completely understand. He can be a real stick-in-the-mud pain-in-the-ass.

Doesn't matter anyhow

2012-01-14T06:17:00.001-08:00

I don't suppose I'll be able to have a baby anyhow, with periods like this. So things might as well stay the way they are.

Trip down memory lane

2012-01-13T21:26:00.000-08:00

What a good conversation with my honey, talking about old times. He even did his funny voice impersonation. Makes me wish he was here to hold me as I fall asleep.

Kick the bums out!

2012-01-13T13:38:00.000-08:00

I do get too attached, and cling to tightly, to the meager little bits of him I have. His tshirt I keep on the bedroom chair, his coffee mug I keep out on the counter. He tells me it isn't healthy, he tells me they should be put away. But I don't mind admitting that I am so lonely, I'll cling to any little thing even if it is only vaguely reminding me of him.

Today he put away his shirt and coffee cup just before he left.

Wasted morning

2012-01-13T12:19:00.001-08:00

Unless of course I was actually speaking to my sweet funny smart guy, instead of some slacker 20 something, and didn't realize it.

In my weird way of thinking....

2012-01-12T18:25:00.000-08:00

I am actually rather happy to hear about my honey's ex-girlfriends, in some sort of weird way. First of all, they are all somewhat interesting women, the kind of women I wouldn't mind having a cup of coffee with. In fact I did have a cup of coffee with one of them once, without knowing she was an ex of his, and I have always felt badly that I inadvertently hurt her feelings, by not knowing who she was. Secondly, the very fact that he has ex girlfriends, and in rather tight succession to one another just before we met, assures me that he was looking, really looking for his soul mate back then. That he did not want to spend his life alone. That he sensed I was drawing nearer to him, and was looking for me, even though he did not know what I looked like for sure.

And well I think he is happy with what he ended up with.

Just teasing a little

2012-01-12T06:40:00.001-08:00

My sweet guy knows we'll do it however he thinks will work out best. Because I trust him.

Super amazing

2012-01-11T20:37:00.001-08:00

Well of course I have had a glass of wine, so perhaps I am over stating it. But I had such a great conversation with my sweet honey guy tonight, I just can't get over it. And he was so super sweet about encouraging me to talk to and visit with my brother, spend some real quality time with him because my he needs me. And so super amazing talking to me about my son's health and my own reproductive issues, and well, it was downright amazing.

The only bad part was he was not here in person, so I couldn't show him just how very much I appreciated it.

Intimidated

2012-01-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

I pride myself on not being easily intimidated. I pride myself on being outgoing and spontaneous. In fact, I have always been the one my friends can count on to charge into an awkward situation, and say whatever needed to be said.

And this is because I thought it really didn't matter, that there was nothing really anyone could do to me, whether they liked what I said or not. I didn't care what they thought.

But as I have gotten older, I have begun to realize there are some things that do matter. There are some things I really do care about getting right. There are some things that I would rather not just charge in and try to wing it. There are some things worth taking the time and effort to get to understand, instead of improvising.

But still I don't like to do too much over thinking about a potential situation, partially because I am not really used to having to do that, and partially because it seems to just make me more nervous, and less likely to act. It becomes like studying for a test too much, where you start to forget what you actually already know.

As long as you know there is love there, and caring, and understanding, well, then, you know all that needs to be known for things to work out fine.